How
NOT to Enable
Family Do’s & Don’ts
Greetings friends and family of resident,
In an effort to be more effective in the recovery process, we at the Isaiah House have developed a list of priorities to help the recovering addict.
We must as a team be on a unified front in order to help the resident and also help to keep the enabler(s) under control. The enablers in the recovering addict’s life also need counseling. It is suggested that while the resident is out of the house for a year that you also get yourself into outpatient treatment.
Here is a list of absolute do’s and don’ts in order to put the treatment facility and the families or friends on the same page.
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DO’s |
DON’TS |
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1.) Trust Staff always over the addiction that’s speaking! Trust our decisions as to when the resident is ready to go to work, make and receive phone calls, on site or home visits, corrections or disciplinary action or when ready for release. The resident must see the staff and family on a unified front that will not be manipulated by the addiction and this will decrease any opportunity to play one against the other.
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1.) Never encourage any disobedience or to leave early without staff approval! This means tough decisions must be made. Do not give the resident a ride out or come pick them up. The addiction may be speaking for MONTHS. They will never change until the pain of remaining the same is greater than the pain of change. |
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2.) Always report any unauthorized contact! Any phone calls coming from any place other than Isaiah House phone or a staff cell phone!
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2.) Never accept or encourage negative information about house, program, staff, or other residents without approaching staff first! |
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3.) Always report any information valuable to recovery. For example, bad friends, bad family, good friends, good family. Any history of abuse either to or from sexual, emotional, physical or mental! |
3.) Never encourage or enable unhealthy, unbiblical relationships! We will only recognize wives or fiancées. We will not recognize live-in relationships unless both parties want to get marriage counseling. We will not allow for any union (sexually) between unmarried men and women.
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4.) Inform us of all accounts in residents name such as bank savings or checking, credit cards, debit cards, or loans! |
4.) Never allow them to go to store or out alone without previous staff approval! 1st or 2nd visit home will always be accompanied by a test for family to perform on resident and bring back after visit. |
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5.) Change address of mail to Isaiah House. In order for us to help we must know the whole situation! |
5.) Don’t complain about what’s going on at home, the bills, the kid’s or how hard it is for you. That will only drive the man out of the program too early. If there is an emergency or immediate need do not hesitate to let our staff know. We may be able to help.
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6.) Encourage them to work the program to stay! |
6.) Never give the resident any cash, check, gift card, phone card, food, stamps, clothing without pre-approval from staff! We must maintain control at all times and be fully aware of residents needs always. If you want to send money to the resident make it in cash/check or money order payable to the resident, but send it to the Executive Director. |
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7.) Abstain from any alcohol yourselves and throw away any in the house! We encourage you to abstain from the use of nicotine. All tobacco products should be locked away when the resident is on a home visit. Studies show that men with drug addictions are 70 % more likely to stay drug free if they can remain nicotine free. Nicotine is a gateway and trigger drug that artificially stimulates the brain in 10 seconds. The men need to learn that any artificial stimulation will quickly put them back into bondage. We want the men to leave here completely free. Throw away all drug paraphernalia and/or YOUR drugs! If you have prescribed narcotic medications, keep them under lock and key always along with the prescriptions. Never send the addict after your refills to the pharmacy. Throw away all pornographic material! Follow the sobriety rules yourself!
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8.) Keep all your money including spare change locked up or secure while resident is on home visit or here!
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There are only 2 possible end results if they don’t get and stay clean:
Death or Jail
We must remain in unity to beat this enemy.
Plight of the Emperor Moth
I once had an emperor moth cocoon for nearly a year. The flask-shaped cocoon was unusual and strange in its design. At the top of the cocoon was a tiny opening through which eventually the creature inside was to force its way through. I waited with anticipation.
After forcing its way through this opening, a vacated cocoon would be as perfect and complete as one inhabited, and no rupture of the fibers would take place as the insect emerged. The great size difference between the opening and the emerging insect made me wonder how such an exit could be performed. This exit would be a struggle. It had been told that the pressure on the moth’s body while passing through the opening was in fact the mechanism by which the fluids are pressed into the vessels of the wings. So I waited and watched.
Soon I was able to witness the emergence of my moth from its prison. During an entire afternoon, I watched it patiently striving and struggling to get out. It never seemed to be able to get beyond a certain point, until eventually my patience wore thin and imagining that the fibers of the cocoon were drier and less elastic than had the cocoon been left all winter on its native heather, I resolved to give it a helping hand. With a small and delicate pair of scissors, I barely snipped the confining threads and immediately and seemingly perfectly, out crawled my moth, dragging swollen body and shriveled wing.
In vain I watched and waited for those wings to expand into the beautiful displays that I knew, but instead they remained in miniature, with exquisite spots and markings and diverse colors barely visible. My false tenderness had proved its ruin. It never amounted to anything more than a stunted abortion, crawling painfully around during that very period of life when it should have flown through the air on beautiful magnificent wings.
I have thought of the moth often, particularly when watching those in the midst of struggle - pain and sorrow and suffering. I would fain cut short the discipline and give relief. How short-sighted we can be. The difficulties we struggle with in life are perhaps designed just as the small opening on the cocoon of the emperor moth - it is often the mechanism by which the flow of life and love is re-routed to areas where it is needed. At the time we may simply feel the pain and difficulty and not pay attention to the tangential effects, but the design is perfect. All we have to do is to trust and to not shrink from the pain or difficulty. If we snip the fibers, then we are as my moth and destined to drag around without achieving what was meant to be.
- Adapted from tract, author unknown
11 things parents can do to raise an addicted child
1. Be their lawyer. Defend them to the end no matter what.
2. Be their banker. Give them what they want even if you can’t afford it. The child learns they never need to worry about money.
3. Be their insurance company. Anytime they screw up be there prepared to cushion the shock. Accept responsibility for what they do.
4. Be their agent. Don’t let them have to earn things. If the child makes the team but doesn’t make starting line-up and hasn’t played in two games, go down to the coach and say that my boy needs to play. Intercede for the child. They learn someone else will take care of it.
5. Be their mechanic. Fix anything that goes wrong in their life, so they never have to worry about getting themselves out of any jam they may get into. When they become adults they will still need you to fix things for them.
6. Be their butler. Everybody needs a clean room and house and meals whenever they want them. Face it – they are going to be rich adults one day and will need to know how to manage a butler. What is learned is irresponsibility – that they don’t need to do things for themselves.
7. Be their administrative assistant. Keep up with their schedules – make sure they get where they need to be on time and take messages for them. After all – they are going to be presidents of corporations one day and they need to know how to manager an administrative assistant. Why not let them practice on you.
8. Be their apologist. Apologize for their mistakes. When they do something embarrassing why not internalize it and make excuses for them. Again – the child learns they don’t have to be accountable for their behavior.
9. Be their emotional doormat. Let them dump all their emotional baggage on you. Let them step on you and take control of your house.
10. Be their fairy godmother or father. Pull out the magic wand and make everything o.k. If they run out of money, pull out your magic wand and manufacture some. If they wreck the car – fix it. The child never learns they have to be responsible for their actions and that there are things they have to do.
11. Don’t share with children your belief system, because if they don’t have a belief system, they don’t know what the parameters are and don’t know what behaviors are acceptable. You can’t leave beliefs about drugs to a child. Children need a belief system.
